Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes