Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*