If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
You Might Also Like
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Worst Native American name ever.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
this makes me so uncomfortable
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!