If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
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*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
