If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
This dude got his own movie?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.