Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.