Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

It’s on my to-do list.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

everyone’s a critic

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..