Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Can’t, holding a grudge

the world’s most popular steaming services

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

A dad and his duck

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from