if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
You Might Also Like
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT