Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

my sentiments exactly

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.