If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
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My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*