If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
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[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!