Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*