If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
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A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this