Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name