If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
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my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
opening twitter today
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Your honor these allegations are
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.