Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

me, too, girl. me, too.

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself