Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN