Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public