Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Message from the dog groomers

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.