Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

☺️

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.