If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
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3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?