@DontTouchMyWine

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

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@causticbob

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

@tuckerflodman

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

@AimeeHelene1

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

@JaneBadall

My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky.

@iAmDelFreaky

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

@5hael

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

@007Rex_Inc

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

@BurbidgeJames

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

@SteveSuckington

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

@aundreyamarie

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?