Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

idk what this dog had been going through but same

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?