Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

Oops I deleted….

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address