If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I love the National Park Service.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.