Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!