If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?