If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Siri: Retweet me.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Beware…..
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY