If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Mood.. 😂
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
at ease…shoulder.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.