If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
You Might Also Like
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.