Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.