If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
the clam before the storm
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine