@TheTweetOfGod

If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.

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@deadstick_ron

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

@iwearaonesie

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

@BeTheBoy

The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”

Sign two was failing skeleton class.

@tastefactory

“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”

@ddsmidt

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

@velcrofannypack

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”