@TheTweetOfGod

If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.

If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.

- @TheTweetOfGod

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@bobvulfov

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

@northernlivng24

Computer: Prove you’re not a robot.

Me: *struggles to find all the road signs*

Computer: Maybe prove it to yourself first. I’ll wait.
*refreshes condescendingly*

Me: SHUT UP! I CAN DO THIS!

@Lisa_Laughs_

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

@ArfMeasures

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

@drinksmcgee

If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?

@GinGander

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

@ericsshadow

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

@HeyZeus666

At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.

@Reverend_Scott

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.