@TheTweetOfGod

If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.

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@InternetHippo

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

@kyle_thatisall

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

@cuntyfruitbats

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

@sannewman

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

@Dirty_Naomi

I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?

@TheRealNickKay

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*