@TheTweetOfGod: If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn't recognize each other.
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@NotARatsAss: My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
@KyleMcDowell86: [Sees girl watching Star Wars] "Oh I love that movie, the way" *starts to sweat* "All those stars are at war with each other"
@jamdugg: *in ambulance* Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me? Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo... Me: *dies*