If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Tell me you get it…🤣
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name