Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family Celebrity

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

Match dot com, but for socks.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess