If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
You Might Also Like
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.