If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta