If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.