If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Mornin. * use accordingly
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Seek kebab; not attention
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.