If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
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My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.