Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Why am I like this?

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*