If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
is this store having a stroke wtf
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.