If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
“OMGJK” -atheists
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Two types of dogs.
work smarter, not harder
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Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.