If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
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Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”