Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
peak technology
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.