Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…
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Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-
Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark
…Ok a FISH is-
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My wife remains very racist in her approach to laundry.
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”