@PortRooster

If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…

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@alexlumaga

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

@GloriaFallon123

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

@TDeeRock

Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

@JermHimselfish

The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth

@iamspacegirl

A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-

Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark

…Ok a FISH is-

Pix: YES.

@markydoodoo

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”