@PortRooster: If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box...
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@NewDadNotes: God: [to self] I need to punish humans. [baby shark swims by] God: but I promised I wouldn’t flood the Earth again. [mommy shark swims by] God: but I gotta do something. [daddy shark swims by] God: what to doo...what to doo. [grandma shark swims by] God: doo doo d-
@VaguelyFunnyDan: A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it 'cause I made it up.
@BlindChow: [hospital] Looks like ur Vine went viral. "Yay!" Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease. "So wait–my Vine didn't go viral?"
@stevevsninjas: everybody's a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes