Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss