If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
The cycle continues
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My wedding will be open casket.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock