If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak