Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Ion see the issue

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

no!! no!!!!!!

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .