if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
secret recipe
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.