if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
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when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon