if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
the composer
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?