Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

grandparents are too precious for this world

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”