if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
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High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
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Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉