if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
it be like that
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia