If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.