Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

I get distracted pretty eas

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out