“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
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Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.