“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
#CoronaOutbreak
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”