If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.