If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
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If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
my fav colour is also hitler
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Natty or not?
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
good work, detective
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
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if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?