If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
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Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.