If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother