if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
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Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”