Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

feetloaf

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?