Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

This is my pinned tweet

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

one week till the election