If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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Made something I’m not proud of
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”