If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
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Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?