If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
You Might Also Like
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
plums roundup
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.