Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

My work here is don’t.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”