Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

it must be school picture day

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.